"It is hard to make a relationship work but it is harder to let it go..."

These words come to me when I was floating around 2 days back... Later, I will be going for interview, and AGAIN, something crashed me down... Someone asked me about her, surprisely, my heart sank at the moment I saw the name... My mood is totally not in the right state again... History repeated itself... Same place of interview, Jurong Island... now I am trying very hard to compose myself... holding on to myself... but it is starting all over again... I vomitted again... body rejected food... almost so immediate...

I thought I am fine, ready... but deep within, the broken piece is still broken... very much broken, beyond repair... It actually almost healed after 2 yrs but crushed again 1 week back... take years to overcome but only take a moment to bring it down... how hurtful... how terrible... how awful... Especially in such moment when I have to act strong but I am not... I am struggling right now, this particular moment when I am typing these words...

I felt like I am choking myself with sorrows, drowning myself in tears, stuffing myself with burdens... I wanted so much to cry it out... but it had run dry... Not because I cried too much, but I am too afraid to cry... Such feelings are too much for me to bear... Way too much... too much...

Very often, when people ask me if I am okay, I always replied, "I am okay" but deep within, I know I am not... If I am, why am I feeling like this now?? I already lost the sense of feeling... everytime used another feeling to cover up my true feeling... getting very sick and tired... Tired of being strong, tired of being firm... I felt like giving up...

Saw Peifen 2 days back, asked me about my well being and came to know about my encoutered... she said that I always look cheerful, think I am managing my life quite well... Cheerful?? Do I have a choice?? I definitely sure that people around prefer me to smile than frown...haiz... can't we be simpler?